woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
did i walk over a car last night?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Randomize
