I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
