Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
