3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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