My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
You can't special order awesome
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
