I'm drive I can fine osifer
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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