u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
