; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I hate all girls vehemently.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
