He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
