I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
