My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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