Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize