'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
We left an ass print on the piano.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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