onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
