The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
