Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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