If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
