Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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