Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize