someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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