Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
