I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
