No stitches, just platelets and will power
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
