it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
