i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
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