His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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