Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize