You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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