I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
