Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
