Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
