If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
