I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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