she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
