3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
i black out too much to be "responsible"
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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