It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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