I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
