I'm lost and stupid without you.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
