also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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