I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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