dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
