Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize