I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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