My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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