he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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