I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
