it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
