my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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