I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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