We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
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