fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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