EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
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