Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
