You smell like stripper and shame
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
