Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Randomize