Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
